Sunday, August 17, 2014

P is for Paranoid

It's been too long since I've posted an update.  To be honest, I'm still scared that something will go wrong.  Infertility has definitely changed me as a person despite actually becoming pregnant.  It tests your sanity.  Paranoia rules your thoughts. You become paranoid about absolutely everything - everything you eat or don't eat, every little cramp, every feeling.  After struggling for so long, it's work to let yourself be truly happy.

Don't get me wrong - I am so appreciative and grateful for this blessing.  Whatever happens will happen and I have to remind myself that we ARE ABLE to get pregnant.

But, I am terrified that it won't last. We are currently 10 weeks 3 days.

We've also had one big scare so far.  You would think that if you've fought your way out of infertility the universe would throw you a bone and let it be an easy, healthy pregnancy.  Again, I'm reminded that nothing in life is fair - even pregnancy after infertility.

At our 6 week ultrasound, Dr. Meyer pointed out a small, grey shadow right next to the baby bubble. A sub chorionic hematoma.  He told us not to be too concerned and that they would continue monitoring it.  They usually re-absorb into your body and it's no big deal.  They just didn't want to see it get any bigger.

The hematoma is the grey shadow on the left. 

We went in for our 7 week US excited to see how the bubble was changing and get a look at our bambino.  As soon as my uterus was up on the monitor it was clear the hematoma had no intentions of leaving.  That bitch had tripled in size in a week and was now 3 times the size of our little baby bubble. I was mortified. We were told not to freak out.  They explained that this could still re-absorb or come out in the form of a bloody glob (with or without our little babe). Great - a murder scene in the toilet is just what I need. Dr. Meyer told me to stay away from google and trust my body.  Adding, that if I started to bleed and pass bloody clots then I should come in right away.  As if paranoia wasn't already winning.

Hematoma on the left and babe on the right.

Naturally, if you tell someone already suffering from the 2 P's (paranoia and panic) not to do something...well that's the first thing they will do.  Note to self - remember this when my kid is 5 and 13...and 17.  I got to work that morning and told Kelly the update fighting back tears.  Together we got on Dr. Google at my desk.  My heart got heavier and my head scrambled as we scoured all the links and stories. The tears won the resistance fight as I read things like increased chances of miscarriage, placental rupture and preterm labor - if they get too large they can cause the placenta to separate from the uteran wall.  This was it.  This was the beginning of the end. This was the universe taking all my hope and leaving behind an emotionally distraught, unstable, nauseous, hormonal mess.

Kelly made me shut down Dr. Google and promise not to look it up anymore.  She reminded me to stay focused on my current situation -I am pregnant now.  There is a little guy (or gal) in there hanging on.  In my mind, I envision him clinging for dear life terrified at the ginormous monster trying to tear him away from me.  I am really, really grateful Kel was there with me to save me from my thoughts.

Worst case scenario person...remember?

Chris was completely calm through all of this.  I know he was also scared and nervous about what might happen.  He somehow managed to stay optimistic and remind me that we aren't the first couple that's ever had a hematoma. He knew that's how I felt - like the universe was playing an evil joke on us and yet again isolating us from the other, "normal" pregnant couples.

I hate Holly - that's what I've since named the hematoma.  I decided she needed a name because she's a resilient bitch that seems to have decided to hang around.  It's by no means named after Chris' beloved pup, but actually after a former boss of his that I couldn't stand.  Although, from stories I've heard, Holly the pup was quite a determined, resilient girl.  She once chased some ducks into the middle of the lake to the point where they had to rescue her on a jetski.

I digress...

We had our 8 week US the following week. Paranoia was winning the battle over control of my mind and I was expecting the worst.  To my surprise, Holly finally started re-absorbing and our little guy was still hanging on and growing.  Looking more and more like an alien shrimp :)  We were finally released into the care of my OB/GYN and we said our thank yous and goodbyes to the CC staff who have become more like family in the last few months.

Holly is shrinking and we have a baby alien shrimp with eye lids!

Our OB appointment had already been scheduled and we went in this past Monday for our initial meeting.  They should warn you it's more of an orientation because we were there for almost 4 hours!  We made the rounds - financial planning, meeting with the nurse for medical history, labs, US, full physical exam and meeting with our doc. It was an exhausting day, but a rewarding one.  We got to see our little guy again (and Holly - that bitch!).  We are doing well - we are healthy, Holly is shrinking, and we are getting more and more excited by the day.

We go back September 3rd for another US and genetic screening for chromosomal abnormalities.  They will also test for the sex chromosome that day.  I do not want to find out, but the hubby is hell-bent on knowing.  If you know him, you know he can't keep a secret.  He buys Christmas presents in November and wants to give them to me on Thanksgiving...he just gets so excited.  I love that about him!  So, if he finds out I will also be finding out.

As far as symptoms go, I've been pretty lucky - except for the paranoia which I think is just a new personal characteristic.  I haven't escaped unscathed, but nothing terrible.  Just extreme exhaustion and nausea all day.  As long as I keep saltines by the bedside and eat smaller portions throughout the day I can normally keep it at bay.  And I happily go to bed at 8:30!

For now, I am fighting back the paranoia and doing my best to just be happy. To live in the current moment.  And, maybe be a little excited.

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