Monday, June 30, 2014

Lost in Prayer

Today is transfer day.  It's like waking up on Christmas morning when you are 8 years old.  I am so giddy with excitement, anxious about the procedure (though it's nothing compared to the retrieval), and hopeful about the results!

No - this is not an easy journey. And, for us, it has not been a short journey.  At every corner, every milestone, every decision, every procedure, every test - I find myself lost in prayer.  For a person that has not been fully devoted to my faith, I have prayed more over the last 2 years than I have combined in my 28 years.  There is something secure in believing this - this situation, our infertility, our plans of family - are out of our hands.

Prayer gives me hope.  That what cannot be done naturally in our world, can be done through His plans. Prayer has not always been comforting for me - maybe because I'm new at it so I'm still learning to navigate and organize my thoughts.

But, many times over the last couple of years my prayers turned desperate, pleading with the lord to give us our child. Desperation is like a weed entangled in your thoughts that only grows as you are lying in bed, in the dark, listening to your husband's breathing turn heavy. Tears turn to sobs.  Your prayers turn to begging.  You are no longer asking for comfort and guidance and strength, but crying out for our prayers to be answered, begging Him to fulfill our desires.  You start questioning the purpose of putting us through this: why me? why us? what did I do wrong? am I being punished for something I've done or not done? is this some cruel way of telling us we aren't compatible?

These are my darkest moments.  When prayer turned selfish and desperate.  I was no longer hopeful. Instead, a bitter anger, lonliness and feelings of inadequacy had taken over my mind and body.

It can go 2 ways from here, and I've experienced both.  You can give in for the night. You pull back, choke back the remaining tears, close your eyes and prepare yourself for a sleepless night with wandering thoughts. You wake up the next morning feeling exhausted, overwhelmed, and prisoner to your own mind.

Or, you can reel your mind back to the purpose of your original prayer.  Ask for forgiveness.  Ask for strength and clarity in your weakness.  Ask for guidance as you take your next step.  This is usually the most difficult path for me. I get lost in my emotions and my mind easily. It's difficult to wrangle such angry, desperate thoughts.  But, it can be done.  I tell myself to remember - it's a means to an end.  There is a reason we are in this struggle and we are in it together.

Last night - as I laid in bed, in the dark, listening to Chris' breaths become deeper, I prayed.  It was the most simple prayer I can remember saying..

"Lord, give us peace.  Give us patience with your timing.  Give our doctor and staff health and wisdom tomorrow morning.  Give us strength.  Help us build our marriage, deepen our friendship, root us in our faith, respect unwavering. Give us guidance at every step. Help me prepare my mind and body for what comes next, whatever the outcome. Lord, be with us tomorrow."

It was my mantra.  I said it over and over and over again until I drifted off.

Here we are - Transfer Day!  The most exciting day of our IVF journey.  It's the day we will get to see our future babe, our little embie before they transfer that sweet hope into me!  I am beside myself with excitement and the possibilities that lie in the days ahead.

We ask that you include us in your morning prayers and share in the hope we have for this next step!


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